#nothing can hold my attention. im nauseous i cant eat.

[teobug]

Woke up and my brain decided that was the worst mistake I could've made to date

[brelione]

Just Wanna Be Happy (Pope HeywardxReader)

Warnings:Mentions of self harm,depression,medication,suicide.Please do not read if youre triggered by these topics.This wasnt written to glamorize mental illness this is kind of just my coping mechanism because I just got out of a depressing period.Depression effects people differently but this fanfic has ways that its effected me so yeah.

You had never been a very social person.Or a friendly person or even a happy person.You kind of just existed without purpose or reason.Its not like you didnt want to be happy because of course you did.It just wasnt something that could come naturally to you in your everyday life.It was summer and you had hardly left your house at all.Most time was spent in your room.It had been days since you had showered or brushed your hair or even changed your clothes.You hadnt done you laundry in weeks or eaten a proper meal in days.You were an absolute mess since you had stopped taking your medication.You didnt know why but you just couldnt bring yourself to take them anymore.You felt guilty for not replying to any of your friends messages.

“Hey :) do you wanna hang out with us tomorrow?”Read Tuesday 9:48 PM. “Hey have you been taking your meds?Your mom wanted me to check up on you :)”Read at 1:48 PM today.

Your mom was staying with family in California this summer to work on a book.She would transfer ten dollars to your bank account everyday.You hadnt spent any of it.She had sent you countless texts to ask how you were doing or if you had gotten your refill.Your skin was dull from not seeing the sun,the hair on your legs had grown long and prickly and you smelt like absolute shit.You heard a knock at your door,the sound echoing through your empty house.You worked up the strength to get up,dragging your feet as you walked.You felt dizzy and nauseous as you walked,couldnt even feel your feet touching the ground.Your kitchen was an absolute mess,frying pan with maple syrup stuck to it and the sink full of dirty smelling dishes.You opened the door,blocking your eyes from the sun to see Pope.

He let out a sigh of relief,pulling you into a hug. “God (Y/N)!You cant do that!Jesus,I thought you died.”He sighed,squeezing you tightly.You didnt bother hugging back,letting your head rest against him. “I was getting worried about you-its been like two weeks since you’ve talked to me.”He grumbled,pulling away from the hug and observing your face.You had a couple of pimples across your forehead from not washing your face,your skin was splotchy and your eyes puffy. “Have you been taking your meds?”He asked.You didnt answer,watching as he walked over to the cabinet to pull out the orange pill bottle.It was still half full.He looked at the date that it was supposed to be refilled.Two days ago. “You have to take these every day!”He exclaimed.You sighed,not really caring.THis wasnt what you needed to hear right now.You didnt exactly know what you needed to hear but that was definitely not it.

 “When was the last time you showered?”He asked.You shrugged,not remembering.All the days had merged together.You slept a lot even when you didnt need it.The only time you really got up was to use the bathroom or vomit into your trash bin. “And the last time you ate?”He asked.You mumbled that you werent sure,embarrassed that someone had seen you in this state.He turned on your shower,letting the room get steamy from the hot water.He went into your messy room,making his way through the piles of crumpled paper and dirty clothing to your dresser.He grabbed you a new pair of underwear,a sportsbra,a loose t shirt and some comfy looking shorts.He assisted you in getting your hair out of the bun it was in,letting the snagglt knots loose. “I’m going to make you some food,okay?”You nodded.He closed the bathroom door.

You pulled off your dirty clothes,nearly gagging at the smell of yourself.You stepped into the shower,letting the burning hot water touch your back and head.You poured a fistfull of conditioner in your hair to try and help with the knots.You sat down,closing your eyes and letting the conditioner rinse out.You poured at least a fourth of the bottle of shampoo into your hair,scrubbing your scalp aggressively.You used the suds from the shampoo to wash under your arms and your back.You used the same suds in replacement of shaving cream to shave your legs only up to your knee.The water was going cold but you didnt care,laying down and letting the water smack your stomach.Pope knocked at the door before opening it. “(Y/N)?You okay?”He asked.You sat up,eyes still shut as you turned off the water. “I made you some frozen waffles.”He informed you before closing the door again.

You waited until all of the water went down the drain until you stood up,slowly stepping onto the bath mat.At least you didnt smell so disgusting now.What really worried you was brushing your hair out mostly because you knew it would hurt and half your hair would most likely fall out.You grabbed a towel,rubbing down your body.You had some faded scars on your thighs and calves but none on your wrist.Mainly because you knew no one would check your legs.It had been five months since you harmed yourself and you were proud.You probably would’ve relapsed eventually if you were even able to work up the energy to do it.You groaned as you saw the pimples on your face,grabbing your face wash that you hadnt used in so long.You scrubbed your face,rinsing the soap off and patting your skin dry.

You looked back up at the mirror.You could barely recognize yourself.You looked like a deformed radiation exposed raccoon.You saw the clothes Pope had picked for you,pulling them on over your damp skin.You slowly brushed your teeth,blood leaking from your gums as you did so.You dragged yourself out of the bathroom,the cold air of the kitchen hitting you.Pope wa sitting at your kitchen table.A plate of eggos sat on a paper plate,a cup of water sitting in front of it. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you later.”He offered as you sat down.You shook your head. “No...its fine.”You answered as you stared down at the plate. “You dont have anything to eat here.Let me go grocery shopping and cook for you.”He spoke softly,taking a pill from your prescription bottle and holding it in his palm.

 “Can you please eat so you can take this?”He asked.You took a bite of the eggo,wanting nothing more than to spit it out into the garbage.You chewed it to mush and swallowed,looking back at him. “Good.”He handed you the pill. “I dont want to take this.”You told him.He sighed,nodding. “I know,I know you dont but it’ll make you feel better.”He told you.You dipped your head back,dropping the pill in your mouth and sipping the water. “All I want is to be happy….why is that so much to ask for?”You grumbled,looking down at your cup.He reached out for your hand,rubbing his thumb along your palm. “You’ll be happy one day.If you take your medicine and make your environment better you’ll feel better.”He had probably read that bullshit in some book.You rolled your eyes. “What does that even mean?”You asked.You placed his hand over yours,tapping his nails against your fingertips. “Just let me take care of you until your mom gets back,alright?”He asked.You hummed,too tired to argue.

He grabbed your hairbrush and a bottle of detangler from your bathroom and got to work on your hair.It didnt hurt too bad and he was careful with your hair almost like it was precious gold. “Do you wanna watch a movie?”He asked.You shrugged but followed him to your living room.It was the one room besides your mothers that you hadnt completely fucked up.He went on Disney Plus and allowed you to flick through the titles until you found something you liked.You chose Inside Out.He grinned at you,kissing your forehead before disappearing into your room.He picked up the clothes off your floor and assumed they were dirty,tossing them into your washing machine.

He stuffed your trash bin full of all the paper and random trash on your floor.He grabbed the stacks of plates,forks and molding mugs from you floor and on top of your dresser.He did a load of dishes,switching your clothes from your washer to your dryer.You had fallen asleep on the couch with the movie still on.He made your bed for you,killing a few bugs that had been hiding under all of the trash.He called his dad. “Pope?You okay?” “mhm..yeah.Um...im gonna be away from home for a while.” “What-no the hell you’re not.” “Dad-” “No-what am I gonna do with all these grocery deliveries?” “Dad-Its (Y/N).” Silence. “Is she….uhh..” “No-no.She’s been off her meds and i think someones gotta be here to take care of her while her moms out of town.” “Alright...just be careful with her.”The call ended.Pope sighed as he looked at your room.It was much much cleaner now that he was done with it.

He sat down on the couch next to your sleeping figure,paying attention to the movie in front of him.You sat up tiredly,wrapping your arms around his torso and moving him so you could rest your head on his tummy. “I think thats whats happening to me.”You spoke,gesturing to the TV.Joy and Sadness had just left the headquarters which left only fear,anger and disgust.He nodded,understanding what you were trying to tell him. “Maybe.”He replied.You sighed,tracing circles onto his skin through his shirt. “I wanna learn how to be happy...it might take a while but I just wanna be happy,you know?”You asked.He hummed,moving his arms so he was holding you. “I’ll help anyway I can.”He promised,stroking your hair lightly.

[bakukke]

i think im going to start using here for my vents, considering i wont be bothering people, and i doubt my parents have hacked into my account here yet

so, this is a vent. bad stuff below. you wont care so, try not to bother yourself with it,

as im writing this, its almost 10am and i haven’t slept yet. i’ve ripped out all my finger nails into sore, jagged, bloody stumps, my binder has been on for well over 12 hours, my chest hurts, and i’ve already thrown up what little i’ve eaten today, and i’m still nauseous. im so exhausted, i want to sleep forever, but im too scared to sleep. i scared to sleep because i know ill have to wake up. im scared to sleep because im afraid of what i might wake up to. what little safety i have felt in my own damn house has been erased and i dont know how to handle that yet. id say im afraid for myself, but if im completely honest, thats not entirely true, and yes i lie way too much but i want to stop doing that for now. i dont really care about my own safety. yeah, human nature dictates that i fear for myself, but the longer i sit here and think about it, the longer i think about the things that have happened to me, the things that could be done to me, im more numb than anything. if anything, i fear for my pets. my cats. i fear for my friends. if anything happens to me, who is going to feed my cats? who will let my friends know? i dont want them to worry. they already worry about my dumb underserving ass way too much, im afraid of what would happen if something happened to me and no one ever told them what. though, maybe its better that way. is it too wishful to hope that they would eventually forget about me? they deserve better, anyways. i could give them better, but im too clingy, too desperate for the love and attention i never received while growing up, that i cant bring myself to leave them willingly, even if they would be glad for me to go. im too scared. too desperate to be loved. but do they truly love me? they seem to repeat it as often as i do, but how do i know if theyre being truthful? i guess thats the thing with humans, you never really know if theyre lying or not. one side of me wants them to be lying, so it could say ‘i told you so’ and allow me that one final breaking point where i can finally kill myself and let this all go. but. the other side desperately wants it to be true. i want them to love me. because i love them too, god i love them so much and im so so so scared of it not being reciprocated. never in my life has anyone i loved love me back. i want so badly for it to finally come true, but my dumb brain wont let me believe it. i dont deserve it, after all. im manipulative, im a liar, im sick, im deranged, im disgusting, im a fake. i dont deserve all the good things that these people offer me. i deserve the hatred and the bile that everyone else spills on me, acid pouring down my face and my neck and chest, eating away at my skin...i deserve the pain. its fine, anyways. i hardly feel pain anymore. they say if you feel something long enough you grow numb to it. i think theyre right. i hardly know what its like to hurt anymore, what its like to truly cry anymore. i feel it bubble and swell in my chest but as i watch the blood drip down my skin its like its not even there anymore, and im numb again. numb, until it happens again. and again. and again. and again i have to resort to physical wounds in order to ground myself, because theres nothing left for me to cling to. its like a drug. so damn addicting, i cant help but return to the ache left on my flesh, watch the red liquid drip, drip, drip....and feel the fleeting moments of living. but theyre so fleeting. they dont last very long, and im left again with this empty void of a heart. it sucks everything up but never lets anything go, and it all piles up into a mass and i can feel it push on me, the pressure overwhelming, and i want to scream and cry and i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright but i dont deserve that. i cant have it. i need to suffer. its for the best.

i think,

[takeachanceff]

Melina

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. We decided to stay at a hotel for the night. I couldn't go home and my moms place wasn't safe either. My eyes are heavy and my arm is killing me. I looked around to see where my mom was, once I realized she was gone I assumed she went down to get breakfast. I lifted Justin to other side everything of the bed as best I could. He finally tired himself out after crying most of the night asking where his daddy was. I couldn't even get the courage to give him a watered down version of whats going on. Justin is only two, he doesn't see his father as some dangerous drug guy. He only sees him as his daddy, so all I told him that he was gonna see him soon — that answer wasn't good enough. I sat up which I quickly regretted because I felt nauseous immediately after. I grabbed my phone off the dresser to see who called me. I had a few missed calls from both my parents and one from an unknown number. I felt myself ready to throw up, but I held it together with all thats going on the baby cant be stressed out.

That's easier said then done.

I called my mom back first and she answered in a few rings.

"Melina" she answered.

"Good morning" I said rubbing my head.

"Im glad that you're okay I called you but you didn't answer" she stated in a relieved tone.

"I was sleeping Justin kept me up all night" I said closing my eyes in hopes that my nausea would cease.

"He's finally sleeping?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm about to head back over to the jail to get Jason" I said getting out of bed heading to the bathroom.

"Im sending your brother with you I don't want you going out there alone" she said as I took my tooth brush out my bag. Not wanting to argue with her I just went ahead and agreed.

"Tell him be ready in 30 minutes Ill leave you the spare key to watch Justin" I said as I looked at my reflection. "Okay sweetie" we hung up and I stared at myself for a bit. I can see the stress written all over my face. I shook it off and started my hygiene routine.

Once I was all cleaned up and dressed, I checked on Justin. I kissed his forehead as he slept, then a knock on the door caught my attention. I headed over to the door looking at the peephole to see who it was. I opened it once I realized it was my brother and mom.

"Hey" I said them letting in.

"How you feeling sis?" Marcus asked. "Tired and nauseous" I admitted and he nodded.

"You two go ahead down there" my mom instructed. "We going ma" Marcus said. I grabbed my phone and purse before I went over to the bed to whisper in Justins ear.

"Mommy will be back when you get up" I said to him before kissing his face. Before I could leave out Justin woke up and saw me at the door and he started to cry. "Aww honey come here" my mom cooed picking him up. "Ill be back baby I promise" I said to him. He started crying again "Nooo Mama" he cried which broke my heart. Jason and I both dont want him to see J in a jail cell.

"Justin ill be back okay be good" I said walking back towards where Marcus was and we headed out. I sighed still hearing him cry as we headed to the elevator. "He'll be fine" Marcus said.

"Yeah I know" I mumbled. I could feel the baby not agreeing with me causing me to hold my stomach. "You good?" Marcus asked.

"Yeah just morning sickness" I stated as I called for the elevator.

"You eat?" He asked looking at me.

"No not yet" I said.

"We getting food before we go you not starving my niece or nephew" he said making me laugh.

"You think its a boy or girl?" I asked.

"Imma say another boy" he said as we stepped inside the elevator. "Im having a girl" I said before laughing.

"Thats what all women say" he said smiling. I pressed the button for the first floor. We were both the whole elevator ride with my mind going everywhere. We got to the first floor and stepped into the lobby to front door. Sounds of chatter filled the room as the business of the day started to pick up. We exited the building transitioning to much quieter setting. Occasionally, cars would pass us as we walked to car. We got into the truck and pulled off "Where you wanna eat?" He asked.

"McDonalds is fine" I replied and he nodded.

The ride was silent but it was broken by my phone ringing. I looked down seeing my dads name. I ignored it "You getting that?" Marcus asked.

"If it weren't for him we wouldn't be in this mess" I admitted sending my phone voicemail and he called again. I let a dramatic sigh as we arrived at the McDonald's while my phone rang again. "You know what you want?" Marcus asked.

"Yeah get me two chicken sandwiches, a large fry, a sweet tea and a apple pie" I said to him and he shook his head pulling into the drive-thru . "What I'm feeding two people" I stated and my phone rung again. I slide the green button to answer.

"Hello?" I said irritated.

"Melina I finally got a hold of you" he said in relief.

"Yeah you did what do you want?" I asked.

"Im just checking on you is everything alright" he asked.

"No, my husband was wrongfully arrested, my son was up half the night crying and screaming looking for his father, I'm nauseous, some psycho is out to kill me and my husband, and my father wont admit hes been fucking me over since I was fifteen!" I yelled the last part of my statement into the phone as Marcus handed me my bag of food.

"Melina I know you're upset but you have to calm down you don't wanna upset your baby" he said.

"Im way past upset Im furious and since when have you ever cared about my kids?" I semi-yelled.

"Melina those are my are my grandkids of course I care" he stated making me chuckle bitterly.

"Sure you do" I said eating a fry.

"Sweet heart-" he started before I cut him off.

"Save it Im tired of you ruining my life just leave me and my family alone" I said hanging up.

"You told him" Marcus said making me laugh.

"I guess so" I mumbled before I started eating.

...................

I paid the bail and now we waited for Jason to be released. The officer guided him out the door taking the cuffs off his wrists. They handed him his clear bag with his stuff in it. He had a few bruises on his face but he still walked with confidence.

"Hey baby" I said with a smile and he gently pulled me into a hug.

"You smell like fries" he said with a smile before kissing my lips. He lifted me up and I giggled some before I kissed him back. "I told you I was coming" I said against his lips making him smile.

"I know lets get out of here before the cops change they minds" He said making us both laugh. He put me down before heading towards the door. We walked back go the car and Marcus was on the phone and by the looks of it the conversation was annoying him. He dapped Jason up and got back in the trunk. We all got in the car and I couldn't help smiling seeing Jason back.

The ride was full of conversation we didn't ask Jason about what it was like being in jail. Im sure he didn't wanna talk about it. We pulled up to the hotel and got out to head inside. We headed got to the floor where the room was and I headed inside to see Justin looking sad, he didnt see us yet. "Justin I have surprise for you" I said smiling and he looked up at you. Jason came into view and Justin smiled widely seeing him. "Daaddddy" he said running to him with a big smile. Jason picked him and kissed his face.

"Whats up man" Jason said with a smile.

"I miss daddy" Justin said in his chest.

"I missed you too lil man" Jason holding him.

I smiled at the sight I know this is far from over Im just enjoying the temporary peace.

Chanel

"So you really gonna play like that?" Bryson asked while laughing.

"How am I playing?" I said laughing as well. Bryson came by after his performance in Seattle. We've been talking for almost a month but I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious yet. Chris still blows up my line and social media of course I ignore him. I want him to understand that when I said I was done I meant it this time. I wanna take this slow with Bryson I wanna make sure he's the right before I decide to make him exclusive. I honestly need to focus on myself before I jump in another relationship with another guy. I really enjoy my time with Bryson he keeps my mind off of the media and the madness that comes along with them. Bryson smiled at me once he caught me staring at him.

"What?" He asked with that smile on his face.

"Nothing, you're just you. I feel like I've known you my whole life" I said shifting my position on the couch so I can face him better. He put the controller down and licked his lips.

"Yo I really like you Chanel like you are really a dope ass woman" he said making me laugh.

"Im aight" I replied to him making him put his hand on mine.

"I don't think so. I know you need time to get over Chris and Ill wait as long as I have to cause I wanna show you how you're supposed to be treated" he said making me blush.

"Thank you,I just don't want you to think that I like being around you because you're filling in a void. I really like you too" I admitted.

"I feel you I feel you" he said before kissing my hand. A banging on the door caught my attention "Ill be back" I said getting up.

"Who is it?!" I yelled heading towards the door.

"Its Chris" he said behind the door.

I stopped in my tracks hearing his voice. "Chanel, I can't go on like this. I miss you please open the door so we can talk" he begged.

"Chris leave" I said from the other side of the door. "Chanel-" I cut him off.

"No, Chris I meant what I said I'm done with you. We've been here before, you cheat, I cry, I leave, you apologize, we fuck, I forgive you, and it starts all over. Im tired of it, is this the example you wanna show Royalty of how a man is supposed to treat her?" I asked and he got quiet.

"If you really love me Chris let me go" I said opening the door and he looked at me.

"I'll always love you Chris but we're not meant to be together" I said truthfully. Chris sniffed and put his hands in his pockets.

"Thats it?" He asked.

"Yeah thats it, bye chris" I said before I closed the door. I let out a deep breath heading back towards the living room. I sat on the couch staring at the ceiling. I was sad but a weight felt like it had been lifted off my shoulders.

That Night

D.C

We arrived in Ecuador and I lifted my head up to look out the window. I admired the beautiful city as the trees covered most of the scenery. Then I realized I'm not here for vacation, I'm here to find my homeboy. I took the seat belt off and got out of my seat to exit the plane. Aaliyah wasn't far behind me before we were greeted by two men in suits. "You must be the special guest we've heard so much about one asked. Aaliyah nodded before I spoke "Yeah man we the ones we'll follow your lead" I said.

They both nodded and we followed them to their car. "So you still not talking to me?" I asked her and she looked over at me rolling her eyes.

"Okay okay" I said with my hands up. She walked ahead of me and I opened the door for her and she got in. Even when she mad she still fine damn, but I know she wanna kill me. I told Trey to just tell her but you know he do wanna do and shit hit the fan. He then wanna be mad about it but it ain't my life its his. I got in on the other side of the car and she looked out the window. Sometimes I wonder what Aaliyah is thinking, like how does she handle all this? How hasn't she lost her mind?

Damn.

Maybe she has reached her breaking point and is keeping it at bay? Yo theres so much I could aak her but she probably cuss me out. Im starting to see the niceness that makes Liyah leave and Im not sure how to feel about it.

We finally arrived at the head quarters and one of them opened the door for her and I exited myself. We followed them and I gently pulled her to me. "Remember let me do most of the talking" I said to her and she just nodded before she took my hand off her.

We followed the two gentlemen into an office where we sat down. "Would you two like a drink?" One guy asked.

"I'm good" I said.

"Please make it two"Aaliyah said rubbing her temple. The guy nodded and headed to get her a drink. He went over to pour her drink before handing it to her. "Thank you" She said with a small smile as she took the glass from him. I don't think I've seen Liyah this stressed before and it's starting to become concerned.

The guy Juan Sanchez who Trey and I do most of business exchanges with took his seat across from us. "Nick it's nice of you to stop by., and you bought a beautiful guest is she your lady?" He asked with his heavy accent.

I wish.

"Nah man this is Trigga's wife Aaliyah. Aaliyah this is Juan he's our business partner" I said introducing them.

"Nice to meet you Juan" she said with a smile before taking a sip out the glass.

"Likewise Ms. Aaliyah and friend of Trigga is a friend of mine" he said with a smile before one of his assistants lit his cigar. "What can I help you two with today?" He asked before the blowing the smoke in the air.

"Imma just gonna get straight to the point. Trigga has been missing for a couple days and we thought he'd be out here. Have you heard from him?" I asked adjusting myself in the seat. Juan took another hit from his cigar and gave me a look.

"Hm that's interesting, unfortunately I have not heard from him but the streets have been too quiet. You believe he's here?" He asked before taking another hit from his cigar.

"Yes" I responded.

"Can you help us find him?" Aaliyah asked. Juan shifted in his chair and took another hit from his cigar. He looked at Aaliyah and nodded. "Trigga is a valuable assets to this business. I'll set up a search for him" he said.

"Are you guys staying anywhere ?" He asked.

"Uh I haven't found a hotel yet" I said to him and he nodded.

"I have a place for you all to stay" he offered and I nodded. Aaliyah finished off her glass then the guy poured her another.

"My men will escort you there and you'll have around the clock security. This will be taken care of" He said.

"Thank you" I said.

........................

Aaliyah

We got settled in the hotel that Juan helped us get. I poured myself a few glasses of whatever this is in my cup until I felt numb. I didn't wanna think, I didn't wanna feel, I didn't wanna talk. I just wanted to let the drink do the talking.

I poured myself another glass before drinking all of it with no hesitation. The burning feeling down throat felt soothing somewhat. I licked the access liquor off my lips. I laughed at the little bit that was in the glass. A knock on the door caught my attention.

"Yo Liyah?" DC said outside the door.

"Open...open" I said slurred.

He walked inside looking around seeing all empty glasses and he shook his head as I poured myself another glass. "Liyah I think you had enough" he said to me.

"I'm fine.." i said before drinking.

"No you're not fine you haven't stopped drinking since we got here" He argued before he tried to take the glass from me.

"Don't.. don't touch me..." I said snatching the glass. "You don't know the first thing about me.... everybody thinks they know what's best for me... better than me. How the fuck would y'all know..... huh?! You guys don't even think i deserve the...truth 90% of the time...." I said before taking another sip.

"Aaliyah, we just trying to protect you" he said.

"Protect me... blah blah blah just shut up with the bullshit... You're not protecting me from shit! Y'all do shit behind my back and guess who's left to clean up the mess? Me! So what the fuck are y'all protecting me from again?!" I yelled.

"Liyah-"

"Fuck you! Why can't I just normal huh? I just wanted to sing around the world and get some good dick without but... I have the media that stalks me everyday and my husband constantly lies to me" I said pouring another glass.

"He married and promised to have happy normal life and I can't get that from him! I give him two years of my life and a child that he begged me for! He acts likes he doesn't even wanna spend time with her! And you I don't even know why the fuck i should listen to you, you're just trying to fuck me! I see the way you look at me Nick!" I yelled before chuckling.

"My mother set me up to get my ass beat all my life for her career... so cheers to everyone and their bull shit" I finished my glass before throwing it at the wall. "ANYMORE QUESTIONS NICK!" I yelled.

"You're drunk." He said simply.

"Fuck off" I retorted. "Get out..."

"Li-" He started.

"GET OUT!" I yelled as he left. I looked for another drink to drown myself before I blacked out...

[The Next Morning]

I woke up in the middle of the bed, I sat up some but my head started ringing.

"Fuck" I cursed myself.

I looked around the room and saw the mess I made and shook my head. There were a lot of empty glass and broken glass everywhere. I sighed and rubbed my temples not remembering what I did or said last night. I got up slowly out of bed to get a Tylenol or something for my head. I dug through my purse and found some I popped two of them dry before heading to the shower. I turned the water on and stripped of my clothes before stepping in.

I finished my hygiene routine before cleaning up the mess I made before a gentle knock in the door caught my attention. I put the last two bottles in the trash before going answer seeing it was Nick i opened the door. "Hey" I said lowly.

"Hey can I come in?" He asked.

"Yeah sure" I stepped aside to let him in and he sat down on the chair not far from my bed. "Let's talk" he said as I sat on the bed.

"Yeah... if I said anything that offended you I'm so sorry I was drunk" I said hoping he'd forgive me.

"It's cool actually everything you said was true and I should be the one apologizing to you. This whole mess is stressful and if I were you I'd probably wanna spazz to. I will tell you this Trey ain't perfect but that nigga adores the ground you walk on. He'd do anything for you even if that meant selling everything he had to be with you. He's crazy about Mia too because she comes from you. Everything you told me last night you should tell him keeping all that shit bottled up ain't healthy Li" he said letting his words sink in.

"If I can remember what I said, I blacked out" I admitted.

"Just be honest with him but they starting the ground search today so we want you to stay here so you're not in the cross fire" he said making me nod understanding his drift.

My phone rang before I could respond I looked at it to see it was my mother calling.

"Hey mom" I answered.

"Liyah, are you sitting down?" She asked.

"Yeah why? What's wrong?" I asked .

"It's Mia" she said and my heart rate picked up.

"Is she okay? Is she sick what's wrong with her?" I asked in a panic.

"Liyah, she's missing we don't know where she is. We've looked all over the house for her" she said and my heart felt like it was read to jump out my chest.

"What do you mean you can't find her she'd three months old?!" I yelled felt myself tearing up. "You lost my daughter!"

"Aaliyah sweetie calm down I put her to sleep when we woke up she was gone" she explained and I started to cry.

"Mom.... she's just a baby someone could hurt her! Oh my god..." I started to hyperventilate.

"Honey, breathe were looking all over for her" she said.

"Call the police and find my daughter" I yelled.

"Okay okay I'll call you soon sweet heart" She said before we hung up.

My breathing became heavier and heavier with every thought going through my head.

"Aaliyah breath" Nick said coming over to me.

"I-I can't someone has my baby what do I do what do I do?!" I started panicking. He held me close to him and he shushed me.

"Relax it's okay we're gonna find her" he said.

[semem-dar]

Hey guys, so i’m not sure how to format this, but i need somewhere to put this where i can get some help.

So, if you know me irl, or you read any of my more serious tags, you probably know that I’m disabled. I’ve been professionally diagnosed with a long list of things, no idea what i have and what was a misdiagnosis, no way to tell because symptoms between them overlap so heavily it could be either, or, or both. Who knows. The total list, as of this year is Autism spectrum disorder, major depression presenting with psychotic symptoms, generalized anxiety disorder, attention deficit disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, gender dysphoria, and two specific phobia: one of heights, and one of needles. All are under some form of medication or theraputic treatment, and have been for years, with only minor progress on anything but the PTSD, I am at least being kept out of crisis-mode and have not attempted suicide for almost a year, so it could always be worse.

The situation is, my family is pushing me to get a job. My mother is pushing the angle that its for my independence and self-esteem, my father is pushing the angle that its my responsibility. I recently turned 21, so i need to either find work, or get on disability and stop asking them for things. Either way, they have made it clear to me that it is unacceptable that i am 21 now and have no work history or source of income. The issues with this come in three flavours: i cannot drive, and i cannot care for myself without regular supervision, and i have little in the way of marketable skills or skillsets. Not to mention the standard mental illness difficulties.

The mental problems come in the standard “autistic with sensory issues” fare. I cant be around bright lights or loud noises, anything brighter than a fluorescent office light is too much, and even with those i often need sunglasses. Loud or sudden noises, anything above say, the level of a car-door shutting is too much and sustained sounds above the level of a printer are intolerable enough that i cannot think around them, freezing up or outright attempting to curl in and cover my ears/face/front and getting nothing done. Being allowed to wear noise-cancelling headphones helps, but muffles conversation to a point i cant understand others. Being around people for more than 4 hours a day, 5 if i push it and am willing to be irritable and upset for the rest of the day is my limit. I have difficulty understanding speech over digital media if i cant watch the lips of whoever is speaking, or be provided with subtitles or a transcript. Telephone-based jobs are right out thanks to this particular issue. I have difficulty holding attention, and cant process complex commands well, or deal with things that aren’t sequenced. I don’t deal well with other peoples emotions, and barely cope with my own. I cannot think of any job that would tolerate a worker like this in your standard retail/restaurant/gas-station entry-level, or anywhere that takes workers without a resume, or anything to put on one did they have one.

Driving, which requires many tasks (keeping track of your hands, both of your feet, the speed, the road lines, other cars, road signs, stoplights, the mirrors, the gas, etc), is impossible for me without risking my life or another drivers. I live rurally, and with no public transport to speak of in my area, I have to rely on my parents to get me places. Their schedules are rotating, and at odd hours of the day, and i have to budget for two hours around their schedules to get me to and from college. With the schedule i have now, and their schedules to work around, i cannot find any work during the week, leaving the few days of the weekend being necessary to find work on. But even this is limited, as I cant go far from home, and I still have to work around my parents rotating schedules since they frequently work weekends.

The usual recommendation at this point is to move somewhere with transportation, but here’s the real kicker. I cannot care for myself on my own. I cannot, on my own power, remember to eat, drink, bathe, or sleep properly. I cannot get my medications in without reminders and double-checks. I have difficulty with any amount of flexibility in a schedule, as i get lost when i cannot check either of my watches and know where i should be and what i should be doing, and will instead simply scroll through blogs or edit code or mod games for hours on end, doing nothing productive or useful. I cannot enforce a schedule myself, and any attempts at reminders through technology or mundane means have repeatedly failed. Ive utilized calendars, day planners, sticky notes, alarm clocks, watches, cellphone reminders, other people calling me to check if ive done something, and any other number of methods. Without another living being hounding after me to get something done, it slips my mind.

At this point, i’m  usually asked, in disbelief, how someone can forget to eat. It’s simple, i do not feel hunger until i am in physical pain from it, and often only eat one meal a day as a result of packing a meal and just, grabbing something out of the bag as i see other people eating. Often, this gets to a point where i forget to eat so long that i wind up in pain. This, as most people know, disinclines one from eating. You hurt, you’re tired, and you feel nauseous, you likely do not want to eat anything thanks to this, and simply want to go to bed. I have been hospitalized before for winding up in such a condition that i couldn’t stand thanks to this odd spiral of not eating. The same goes for drinking. I am lucky if i get more than 10 ounces of fluids in in a day separate from any snacks i might have shoved in a bag or pocket or other carry-able container. It is a wonder I am not sicker than i am regularly.

regardless, the point is made, i have extreme difficulty with remembering and motivating myself to preform basic daily activities, and will often do without to the point i sicken myself if left to my own devices. I assume it is like living with a large, depressed, child. I assume it is unpleasant, irritating, and difficult living with someone with these issues, and can think of no one who would willingly take care of someone they are living with to this degree short of a spouse or the parents of the person. Seeing as i am not exactly a catch for marriage given my life difficulties, lack of income, and lack of looks, and cannot live on my own, im rather stuck in a poor, rural area, with few job opportunities and  even fewer that wouldnt essentially be working in hell for someone like me.

Im certain, by this point, if youre still reading, you understand why im having difficulty finding a job i would want to put myself in, or even be able to tolerate. All of the career options ive considered, that i think i might be happy in, require a degree (which requires money we dont have, and years of student loans, and a job in the interim while you earn the degree), or are too far away, or require a cost upfront (such as starting a home business, or taking up a trade where you have to buy your own materials [any type of craft work]), or simply have skillsets that i can only do part of and would be incompetent to outright incapable of the rest of the skillset.

the longer I think about this, the more depressed and frozen i become, and the less and less it feels like i have any options. I’m at a point in my life where i have been unhappy and stressed and frequently outright suicidal too damn often, and i refuse to even potentially put myself in a place where i risk becoming that again. I dont know how to get past that and force myself to take a standard job. I do not know if i have any other options, with my lack of skills and mostly useless talents. I do not know how to run a buisiness, or have to cost for materials and real trainign needed to learn a craft, or the ability to run off my wn schedule that working from home would require.

i feel like i have no options. I do not want to continue this. I do not want to have no options. I do not want to be here. i do not know how to make this stop. i do not know how i can be 21 and be incompetent enough that i cannot find any sort of work i would be suited for. i do not understand how someone could end up with no motivation or skills or any amount of ability to make money. I do not understand. I do not know how to fix this. Threapy is not helping, medication is not helping, support (what little i can get of it) is not helping, i do not know how to become competent. i do not know how to become a person. i do not know how to get money at a price i am willing to pay or even can pay. I do not understand.